2019: My Year of Ls

Reflecting on 2019, it is hard to come up with a list of positive things that happened or major accomplishments that I achieved this year (other than graduating college). When I told my best friend that this was basically one of the worst years of my life, he reminded me that it was a year full of lessons and not losses. He went on to say that some of these lessons people twice my age still haven't learned yet. Despite my sucky year, I am happy to share the lessons that I learned and what I will do differently in 2020.

Love Yourself First and Love Yourself More

I have always been known to quote RuPaul when he says "if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" However, the love that I have for myself got lost when I was busy channeling my love into somebody else. I had just graduated and was drowning in uncertainty so I focused on what seemed certain: my relationship. For a while, he did the same. We were in a love bubble floating in a bathtub full of denial. When he shifted his focus from us to himself, I channeled more energy into making sure he felt cared for and supported. As a result, I had no energy left to take care of myself and my needs. I was truly lost. The witty, independent womanist that is writing this blog was reduced to (as my mother puts it) a neglected housewife.

Now when the love and energy stopped being reciprocated at all, I tried to overcompensate by doing even more. I was putting in so much and getting nothing but uncertainty in return. That’s when friends started using words like “emotional abuse” because one minute he was pulling me towards him and the next he was pushing me away. I had no job, just moved back home, and was feeling like a full-blown failure. I thought if I fixed my relationship first, then everything else (job, apartment, social life) would fall into place. As you can imagine, I was completely wrong. When he finally called things off, the lesson of that whole ordeal became very clear.

First and foremost, love yourself. But even after that, love yourself enough to do what makes you happy, love yourself enough to leave a bad situation, and love yourself enough to put yourself first. Channel the unwavering, enveloping, earth-shattering love that you give to others, into yourself. I also learned that I can be nurturing and patient when I believe in someone. Normally, I see some BS or something I don’t like and end the situation right away. This relationship was different and showed me more of myself. I am very thankful for that despite how things ended.

A Strong Friend Can Ask for Help

I have always prided myself on working very hard but making it look easy. In school, I juggled three jobs, a full load of classes, multiple student organizations and still got lit on the weekends. At the age of 22, I thought there was nothing that I couldn't handle. Again, I was very wrong. I was unemployed, heartbroken, and depressed. Dealing with that was more overwhelming than any schedule that I've ever had. I needed a lot of help.

I needed my friends to help me get out of bed in the morning. When I asked for help, they held me accountable with going to the gym, applying for job, and coping with my break up. They even pushed me to finally launch this blog! I am forever grateful to them for how they helped me this year. Next, I needed help with my mental health because post-grad depression was causing me to spiral even after I started working again. I found a therapist in my area and now I see her every Wednesday.

Lastly (and more importantly), I needed help reconnecting with God because I was one of those college students slept in instead of going to church. Church and my faith were so important throughout my upbringing. This year reminded me how distant I have strayed from God and how much I needed Him back in my life. Again — shout out to my friends that invite me to church and keep me in their prayers. God turned this year around for me. My prayer life and relationship with God are priorities again. That shift made the trials and tribulations of 2019 worth it. The lessons that I learned in 2019 were also blessings preparing me for what’s to come.

2020 will be a transformative year. I am taking my 2019 lessons and using them to create lasting change in my life.

Expect More from People

What is the worst thing that could happen if you expected more from people? When my therapist asked me this, I told her that if I expect more from people, I might not have that many people around. She told me that is possible or I could be surrounded by the RIGHT people. In 2020, I am expecting more from everyone, starting with myself. I am going to be more intentional with my actions, how I spend my time, and who I spend my time with. If you cannot meet my expectations, be sure to close the door on your way out.

Walk the Talk

I see all of you on my timeline talking about the law of attraction and manifestation. Now that I got myself together, I am creating a structure in my life that will enable me to pursue my goals. You can’t just wish for something to change. You need to put action behind it. I spent 2019 trying to figure out what I wanted and now that I have some idea, I am going to make those things into a reality.

Embrace Fear

As an extremely anxious person, I hate uncertainty and huge changes. Since I am a new graduate in my 20s, my life is about to be full of both of those things. In 2020, I am challenging myself to embrace fear and overcome it. When I am afraid, all of the positive outcomes are drowned out by the noise of what could possibly go wrong. By checking myself and understanding how irrational my fears are, I will be focused to fearlessly pursue the life that I want.

The Overall Tea:

2020 — I am coming for your neck. I am coming to get what is mine. My 7 step skincare routine is locked in. My travel plans are growing by the day. This next year will be fruitful in more ways than one. As Willie Jolley says, “A setback is a setup for a comeback.” 2020 is my comeback year.