I Wanted to Claw My Eyes Out

Believe it or not, I forced myself to see Cats even after it was being dragged by the media (and by me). Do I regret it? No—because now I can attest to how disturbing it truly is. Sadly, everything that horrified me in the trailer came to life during this hour and a half long film. I couldn’t even ignore the images on the screen and enjoy the music because the images were that disturbing. I’d love to offer some pros and cons but there were no pros so here are the cons of Cats.

Human Hands & Feet

These animorph looking cat-people didn’t even complete the illusion with paws. They had regular, skin colored hands and feet. It was mind-boggling to see Jennifer Hudson with a full cat body but with her black hands and acrylic nails showing like it’s just a regular Saturday afternoon. All the cats had their regular human bare feet out which honestly was gross. The break-dancing Les Twins hit some Beyoncé tour choreography as cats with sneakers on which also looked ridiculous.

Dirty Kitties

Something about how the cats were moving and interacting was pretty sexual. I cannot put my finger on it but the movements of their tails seemed suggestive and a little filthy. The characters would rub faces to imitate how cats show affection but it wasn’t animalistic enough to look real, so it just looked kinky. It looked like some “furry” fetish stuff at one point.

Honey, Idris Elba had the tightest, thinnest, and most hairless bodysuit of them all. You could see tons of definition in every single area of his body (except one because they edited that out). This film should have been like the new Lion King and featured some real looking cats or have been humans that are clearly in costume. This cat-morphed idea was a miss for me.

Who’s Idea Was This?

Not only were the images on the screen disturbing, the music didn’t sound too hot either. JHud did sing my face off, as we expected, but I was distracted by her tail moving all around and her cat ears twitching. Jason Derulo sounded alright as he danced around like a washed-up Chris Brown. Taylor Swift’s vocals did not impress me either. Granted, her vocals have never impressed me but I thought she might be more tolerable as a kitten — I was wrong. I know that the original composer, Andrew Lloyd Weber was involved in the making of this film but I just cannot understand how we didn’t fix this before the movie premiered. Remember when Twitter dragged the Sonic movie to death and they redid the animation to make it less frightening and awful? Where was the campaign to save Cats? We definitely did our part by dragging it but clearly these executives didn’t want to listen to the voices of the people and now look at its performance in the box-office. Pitiful.

The Overall Tea:

I hope a lesson was learned. All future movie adaptations of musicals, let this be a lesson to you. We will not waste the few coins that we have on your filthy garbage. Listen to the voices of your target audience honey or be prepared to fail once again. I hope “Cats” becomes synonymous with an epic film fail. “Yeah, that movie was lame but it wasn’t like Cats.” After seeing this movie, I need to be reborn and sent to the Heaviside Layer because I am fed up with this life.